


Finding my Angel

by 852_Prospect_Archivist



Category: The Sentinel
Genre: Drama, M/M, Other: See Story Notes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-10
Updated: 2013-05-10
Packaged: 2017-12-11 07:05:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,396
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/795240
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/852_Prospect_Archivist/pseuds/852_Prospect_Archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What else has Jim been repressing?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Finding my Angel

## Finding my Angel

by Jae

I wish we owned them. Than maybe we would be able to have some decent entertainment.

Heavy angst. One scean of child abuse(sorry I had to wite it). i do not condone child abuse.   


I based William's attitude after Jim made the smment in Most Wanted. Taking place right after Brother's Keeper. I have taken liberties with Jim and Blair's ages. Jim is 17 and Blair is 11.

* * *

"Jimmy? Jimmy... Where the hell are you?" William Ellison bellowed. He was pissed. Having just come in from the garage where his cobra was sitting smashed up 

"Jimmy get your ass down here now." 

"Yes Dad?" Jimmy replied, coming down from his room where he had been cleaning out all of his old school reports and other such nonsense. Getting packed up for his vacation with his Dad. He wasn't relay interested in going. He knew Stephen had been looking forward to going. Wondering what had his Dad so upset. Treading carefully, not wanting to piss him off even more. 

"I cannot believer you did this. Did you think that I wouldn't notice? Do you think I'm stupid? Why? Why the hell would you do something like this?" William yelled. His anger, loud and clear. 

"I don't know what you are talking about Dad" Jimmy said. Shrinking into him. Trying to become invisible. 

"Were you just mad that I wouldn't let you drive it anymore? Did you even think of the consequences of your actions?" Folding his arms over his chest waiting for his son to answer him. 

"Dad, I really don't know what your are talking about." Jimmy was getting really worried now. Wondering what had set his Dad off. 

"I wont to know why you took my car out without permission and then proceed to get it smashed up. Did you think I wouldn't see something this big? Or were you just mad I wouldn't let you drive it anymore?" William sarcastically asked. 

"Dad I haven't touched that car since you told me not to." Jimmy was starting to make sense of what was going on. Stephen must have been really pissed. 

"Come with me and I will show you." William grabbed jimmy by the back of the neck and pulled him to the garage. 

Walking faster to keep up with his father's longer stride. Catching Stephens's eyes as he passed him in the kitchen, he saw that he was correct. Stephen had smashed the car in his rage against his father's decision of taking jimmy instead of him. Jimmy was just wishing his father would get on with the punishment so he could get out of here. Feeling betrayed by his brother as he just sits there with his mouth shut. 

"This is what I'm talking about. Do you deny this? Your imaginings are not going to save you now." William bellowed to his son. 

It was on the tip of his tongue to tell his father he didn't do it when the words his father had spoken to him sank in. the mention of what he thought of him. He had tried to put all that behind him at his fathers urging. He knew then that he would never be able to please his father, no matter what he did. 

Standing there without saying anything he knew his father thought that being his admission of his guilt. 

"You are not going with me. You will stay here and think about what you have done. You w will work to pay for the damages to the car." 

Turning around and making his way into the house William told Stephen to pack. They would be leaving in the morning. His dismissing jimmy from his thoughts hurt him more than anything. Realizing how low a priority in his father's eyes was the final straw. Feeling his heart completely break, he took off out the back door. Just running, not caring where he ended up. Trying to out run the coldness of his body. Wondering if he would be able to feel again. 

Finally collapsing out of shear numbness. He looked at his surroundings. Finding himself in the woods where he had found Buds body brought him to the final breaking point. He let loose a soul breaking cry. Feeling all his emotions come rushing through his body. Giving into the sobs and letting them go was a peace of sorts. 

He didn't know how long he was there crying, and the only reason that he became aware of his surroundings was the pressure of arms holding him. Tucking him in a soothing embrace he hadn't felt since he was little. There also was a voice crooning to him, telling him to 'let it out don't hold it in anymore. You will be all right. I wont let anything hurt you now.' The voice was so melodious he felt himself leaning into the weight of those arms. 

" Just let it out. No one can hurt you here. I've got you. Your safe now." The voice spoke softly, reassuringly. 

Jimmy turned his head to see who was protecting him. What he saw made him gasp. With the sun behind the face radiating a halo of hair. Red, brown, with faint traces of copper, the eyes of deep summer blue. His full lips were smiling shyly. Only one word came to mind. Angel. It must be an Angel. Jimmy couldn't understand how anyone would come here. Not after what happened to his mentor, his friend. 

" Are you ok now?" The voice asked, shacking him out of his stupor. 

" Yeah. I think I'll live. Though not very well." Jimmy replied. 

The figure moved giving away the illusion of being an Angel. Showing he to be a young boy. He couldn't tell what his age was, because he looked so young. 

" What is your name?" demanded Jimmy. He didn't mean to sound so harsh, but after the emotional roller coaster he had been through he understood the act. 

Not daunted by the tone, the boy kept his hold on Jimmy giving him the comfort that he saw was needed. 

" My name is Blair. I was playing hide and seek with my cousin, and I guess that either I am really good or really lost." The surprised chuckle out of him made Blair smile even wider. He could feel the sadness flowing off of him and it hurt him in a way he could not describe. 

" I am sorry. I don't mean to be rude. My name is Jimmy." He said pulling out of the warm embrace and holding his hand out to Blair. 

Taking his hand and holding firmly, Blair looked at Jimmy to see if he would be ok. Not really liking the desperate look in his eyes. Blair kept a hold of his hand. 

" Hey man, are you all right? I know you don't know me, but I really would like to help if I could. I mean... I don't want to offend you or anything." Blair stammered out. Looking even younger made Jimmy smile. He felt a kinship towards this young man that made him trust. He didn't understand why, but he felt himself opening up to Blair. Telling him what happened. How he felt. 

He had never been able to do that since his father made him feel like a freak. He even heard himself telling Blair how he could hear and see things others couldn't. 

" Oh wow... that is so cool. I mean I am sorry about what happened. But to be able see that far away or hear someone on the phone. That is just way rad." Blair's openness took the edge off of his anger. He could see Blair really liked the thought of him being able to do those things. 

" I thought it was great until my Dad said that about me. I just don't ant to be a freak. Why can't he like me?" Jimmy cried. Feeling more tears escape him. He felt Blair pull him into another embrace. He just laid his head down upon Blair's shoulders and cried his grief out. Trying to get rid of the pain and anger he felt for his father. 

" I know how you feel." Blair spoke. Looking Jimmy over. Making sure he was feeling better. 

Smirking to himself that this boy couldn't possibly know how he felt. Seeing Blair look harder at him. Feeling as if he had just had his mind read, Blair spoke up. 

" Hey man, don't go doubting me based on my age. I have been to a lot of place's the world over. Naomi, my Mom, likes to travel. She mostly takes me with her, unless she is going off to India to visit some Guru. I kind of wished she had let me go with her. My Mother knows I am alive, but she does not see me. So see, I too feel left out, shut out, not wanted." The sadness in Blair made him sit up and pull him close. Holding him, trying to take all his sorrow and pain away. 

" Hush little one. I wont forget you. I see you." He crooned softly to the trembling body in his arms. Wanting to shake Naomi, make her see the pain she has caused in her beautiful boy. Wait a minute, 'Beautiful...' Yeah, he's beautiful. If this was anyone but Blair he knew he wouldn't feel a stirring in his heart. It felt like Blair was opening a small door inside him and climbing right on in. Helping him heal from the inside out. 

Puling out of the strong embrace Blair smiled shyly up at Jimmy. 

" Here I am making you feel sorry for me, when I am just trying to help you." Blair spoke. Looking away, feeling ashamed at his actions. 

"Hey, don't look away from me. You are helping me. You have given me something I haven't felt for years." Smiling Jimmy stroked Blair's hair back from his face. Watching that smile spread all over his face. He thought Blair could light up the world with that smile, instead of just his soul. 

" What is that?" Blair enquired. He could see the curiosity brimming from every pore of Blair's body. Fairly bouncing in place. 

" Well... um..." Stammered Jimmy. 

" Come on man, you can trust me." Giving Jimmy what his cousin called his little lost puppy look. With those big eyes and pouting lips. It was a sure fire way to get what he wanted. Looks like it works jus as well on Jimmy. 

" Well I haven't been hugged or felt so safe for years. Not since my Mother left." Spoken softly. Not daring to look Blair in the face. Hoping that he hadn't just made a fool of himself. 

" Oh man... That is the best thing anyone has ever said to my before. I feel safe with you also." While he spoke, Blair had reached over to grab his hand and give it a squeeze. Not letting go after he spoke. Jimmy looked up at Blair, wondering if he was just having the wool pulled over him. Seeing Blair's honest gaze, he felt himself being pulled forward. Not really thinking of what he was doing. He pulled Blair to him and kissed him lightly on the lips. Taste exploded over his tongue, making him deepen the kiss. He could feel himself trying to literally crawl into Blair's skin. Feeling Blair's arms come around him as he touched his tongue to Jimmy's. It was a moan that broke through his thoughts. Not sure if it was his or Blair's, he pulled back suddenly. Worried that Blair would leave him. Terrified he may have lost the best thing in his life. He grabbed onto Blair's arms, as if he could keep him from fleeing. 

" Don't leave me Blair. Please don't leave. I am sorry... I wont do anything like that again." His desperate plea's brought Blair out of his fog. Seeing the stark terror on Jimmy's face, he hastened to assure him he wouldn't leave. Grabbing Jimmy and holding on tight Blair murmured reassurances that he could always trust him. That he would never leave him. And if he did they would always find each other again. Leaning into him, Blair kissed his forehead than his eyes, cheeks, chin and finally his mouth. 

After long minutes of gently kissed they broke for air. 

" Blair, I have never felt this way before. I don't like guys. Hell I hardly even like girls. I mean what does this make me?" Jimmy's panicked words gave him the courage to speak his heart. 

" Jimmy, I have never even kissed a girl. You are my first. But I can tell you this; there is a connection... a bond between us that defies any labels. I say if it feels right we should make ourselves happy. Not worry about what others may think." Blair felt this even though they had just met. Call it fate, karma, inter-planetary alignment. Whatever, he just knew Jimmy was the other half of his soul. 

" Is it really that easy Blair? Do I just have to believe that I can be happy and I will be?" With eyes pleading for the truth from Blair, knowing that he would tell him the answer. 

" Let me ask you this Jimmy. Do you believe that you can be happy that you deserve to be happy?" Blair said. Hoping that Jimmy could answer his own question. He had to; it was the only way. 

Looking deep into Blair's eyes. Asking him if he deserved to be happy. Before he could answer he heard his name shouted. He turned to see his Father stomping through the woods. Looking for him. 

" Blair I have to go." He pleaded. 

" Why? What's wrong? Who is it?" Blair asked hurriedly. Looking around for whatever or whoever had frightened him. Blair could feel the heart pounding in Jimmy's chest under his arm. 

" Look Blair, I really have to..." His sentence was cut short by a bellow from his Father. 

" What the hell are you doing?" William demanded, having finally found his son and in the arms of a young boy. It sickened him that his son was gay. He couldn't believe Jimmy would do this to him. What would happen to his reputation if this were ever found out? 

" You... you... filthy, vile... you little pervert get your hands off of my son. How dare you try to make him like this? No son of mine will ever be a freak. Not for you or anyone else." His face flushed with righteous indignation, William strode forward with a determination to stop this from happing. 

Jimmy could see the veins in his Father's forehead standing out. He could smell the stink of... all he could think it smelled like was disgust. Turning to Blair and telling him to run that he needed to leave now, that he couldn't let Blair get hurt because of him. He pulled Blair to his feet and pushed him away, told him someone was calling his name. 

" No, I won't leave you. I can't leave you." Trying to make Jimmy understand, that he didn't have to face it alone. 

" I know Blair. I will always know. But you must leave. Like you said earlier, we will find each other again." Giving into the temptation, he kissed Blair once more. A kiss of a thousand promises. 

Tears running down his face. Blair smiled one last time up at him and then ran. 

Turning around to face his Father's wrath. He stood his ground as he saw the fist fly and hit him in the gut. Doubling over in pain, he felt another blow land upside his head, knocking him to the ground. 

" I will not have some fairy living under my house. No real man would ever let himself do that with another man. If I have to beat you till you learn how to act like a real man, than so be it." With that said, William proceeded to beat up his son. Teaching him how to be a real man. Calling him vile, filthy names. 

Not knowing how long the beating had lasted; Jimmy woke to find himself in his bedroom. It was really bright, so he figured he had slept through the night. He heard his door open and seeing Sally coming in with a tray. 

" Your Father and brother have left. How are you feeling?" Sally asked, setting the tray down by the bed. 

" I've been better." He tried to smile at her. Wincing at the pain in his mouth. Running his hand over his face, checking to see how much damage had been done. He was startled to find tears. Looking up at Sally as he felt the first sob escape his throat. 

Sally quickly wrapped her arms around the frightened boy. Holding him close while he cried out his pain, anger and frustration. 

Speaking brokenly in-between sobs, he told Sally about the car and his Father's anger. He only smiled, feeling a little better when he told her about Blair. How if he chose to be happy he could. Than to the sudden pain he felt when he described the beating his Father gave him. He remembered the hateful words his Father had spoken. How the beating would make a man out of him. And how no son of his would dare to embarrass him this way. 

He cried in Sally's arms. Feeling the cold slowly settle around his heart, he felt himself slowly shuttling down. He didn't even want to stop it. Smiling to himself as he saw Blair's face in his mind one last time. He knew he could never harm Blair in any way. As he felt himself slipping into sleep, he wondered if they would ever meet again. 

The first week went by with Jimmy staying in bed and resting. At the start of the second week, he got all the information on his savings account. He sold his car to pay his Father the damages on his cobra. He sat around the house wondering what he could do now. His Birthday had past him by while he was recuperating last week. He figured he needed something to take him far away from his Father. He knew he wouldn't survive if he stayed here. 

Going into town for some errands. Jimmy spied his freedom. Walking up to the door, he felt everything fade. The only image he carried was of a pair of blue eyes. 

* * *

Jim woke. Drenched in sweat, he rubbed his face trying to focus on where he was. 'Sandburg was right. Repressing my memories suck.' Moving slowly, still feeling the beating he took 15 years ago. He was correct when he told Blair 'than some' after his comment of 'join the army. See the world.' 

With the image of those eyes blazing in his mind, he made his way down the stairs to the bathroom. Passing Blair in the kitchen he went to the bathroom to get ready for the day. 

Thinking back on this last case. Glad he was able to prove his Brother's innocence. Getting to know the man without the taint of their Father was great. Blair was really all out for this reunion. 

Finishing up in the bathroom. He came out wrapped only in a towel. Walking past Blair to his room, he didn't see the look of confusion in Blair's eyes. 

" Hey Chief, what say you and I go camping? Just the two of us?" Jim yelled down from his room. Looking forward to some time alone with his guide. Maybe Blair could help me try to recall the name of the person with the blue eyes. He had a feeling it was a guy. Since he was able to remember those eyes, the strongest feeling he had was of love. ' My angel '. Where the hell did that come from? 

" Sure Jim. I'd like that. What is the weather supposed to be like? Are there going to be any bears around?" Blair asked. Feeling apprehensively at that last thought. 

Coming down the stairs still buttoning up his shirt, Jim saw the table was already set and breakfast just finished cooking. 

" I was thinking if we stopped at the station after we loaded up the truck, we should make it before dark to my hide-away spot." 

" Sounds good. What is this secret spot of yours like? Do you fish or hike?" 

" Its just woods. It does have a little trickle of a stream. It's only big enough to keep beer and water cold. But it sounds great at night when you try to sleep. I found it when I returned from Peru. I just needed to have the illusion of the jungle after being bombarded with city life again. Hell I haven't been up there for a couple of years. Last time I went was just before I signed my divorce papers. I had to be sure I couldn't really keep the marriage alive." Shaking him self out of past thoughts. He glanced across the table to Blair. Seeing a welcoming smile on his face. He again thought of ' my angel '. A flash of blue eyes accompanied the words. So he now knew they were about the same person. 

" Jim... Jim don't zone out on me. Hey you ok? You looked like you were really out of it." Blair's concern pulled Jim out of his thoughts. 

" Did I zone?" 

" I don't think so. It looked like you may have been heading in that direction. What were you thinking about?" 

" Just had some memories pop up. I think they were from when I was younger." 

" Repression comes to bite ya huh? Can you tell me what they were?" Curiosity peaked, wanting to know what Jim was thinking about. Blair decided his best action would be to clear the table. Maybe with him doing something Jim would feel more open to tell him. It wasn't that Jim wouldn't tell him. He just had a hard time with getting the first word out. After that the rest always came. 

" Can we shelve this discussion till tomorrow? I really would like to hurry, so were not setting up camp in the dark." Jim asked. He knew he would talk if Blair pushed the issue. 

" Jim I think..." Blair got no further as Jim interrupted him. 

" I promise we will discuss this. I had already planned on talking with you. But I wanted to wait till we were there first." His earnest comment sent a shiver of fire up Blair's spine. The thought of Ellison talking about his feelings without being questioned first was a step toward there growing trust. Pleased that he was being given the gift of Jim's total faith was beyond words for how Blair felt. His ever-deepening love for Jim taking an even deeper leap, made Blair smile. 

" I was only going to say that I think it would be good. Any time you need me or want my opinion you only need to ask. I will always' be there for you." He felt this was as close to declaring his trust as he could to Jim. Not that Jim would do anything drastic, but knowing that this could change there friendship. It was a 50/50 chance in either direction. To love everlasting or total heartbreaking destruction. Being torn apart slowly. Ending with him having to leave because Jim wouldn't be able to trust him without wondering if Blair would jump him. 

" I know you are Blair. I trust you. So shall we go?" Moving towards his room to pack, he didn't see Blair smile, than blush. He did hear his heart speed up. Turning to see what was wrong, he saw the blush as Blair hurriedly turned to his room. 

" Yeah, I should be out in five. Do you want to pack the food or should I?" Hoping Jim hadn't noticed or wouldn't ask what was wrong. Blair knew if he did, he would tell Jim the truth. That admission from Jim was making his dead spin. Sending the 50/50 chance to a 70/30 to the favorable wish. 

" Why don't we do it together? I don't want you to leave my chips or doughnuts here. I do like your healthy stuff. But I need my junk to balance." Smiling to show his teasing Jim made his way up to his room. 

Having finished with all the packing and loading, they made there way to the station. Him just needed to finish up a report from his last case. Some kids had decided to try out a spy kit and had been following and recording the Mayor. Jim laughed when he saw some of what the Mayor had been up to. Being caught going into a strip club after having lectured against those places to the schools around Cascade was pretty funny. The Mayor's wife didn't think so when she received a picture of her husband making his way out. Definitely drunk. 

" Hey Ellison. What are you guy's doing here? Didn't you guys get weekend off?" Rafe asked as they make their way over to their desk. 

Turning the computer on to type up the report Ellison let him know they were just finishing up a quick report than off to the woods. 

" I still can't get over the Mayor's wife calling him a hypo crypt. Man I didn't think someone could really turn that color." H. added his voice. Laughing it up as he made his way to his desk. 

" All right people, enough on the Mayor. He still has some power left." Simon spoke up from his office door way. 

" Sandburg, could I have a minute?" He added. 

Looking up from his desk, Jim gave Blair a 'your-in-trouble' look. Smiling as Blair flipped him the finger on his way to Simon's office. 

" What did you need Captain?" He still felt a little intimidated by Simon. Not really knowing where he stood. 

" Just wanted to thank you for helping Daryl last weekend. He passed that test with the highest score. He said to tell you he never would have without you help." 

" Hey it was no big deal. Social studies are a little like Anthropology. It helps if someone can explain it to you on your level." Blair tried not to show how pleased he was. It really was no big deal to him. Simon and Daryl had come over to the loft for dinner last weekend. Daryl had told Blair about his test and not really understanding the material. They then went to Blair's room, were Daryl was given an in depth look into the fascinating world of Social studies. Everyone thinks on there own level. What is easy for one is harder for another till you can show them the bridge across. 

" Be that as it may. I thank you. I wasn't any good at that either. I appreciate you help." Simon reached out to shake his hand before moving behind his desk. 

The knock at the door interrupted Blair's remark. Poking his head in Jim told Simon he was done. And they would be leaving now. 

" You guy's have a good weekend and I'll see you both bright and early on Monday morning. Good job on this case. Still it was rather funny to be caught basically with your pants down around you ankles. And I don't want you repeating that. Either of you." Simon admonished. Still chuckling over his remarks. 

Blair and Jim just grinned and left, saying their good byes. Once in the truck on their way they gave into the laughs. 

" Man that is so true. I mean here you have this important figure telling you it is bad for young people to be exposed to this. Then the next thing you know, your caught doing what you said they shouldn't. Man some people make you wonder about the human race. Are we all just wearing mask's we think others want to see. Or maybe they can't handle all of the truth from them. I guess it is hard to be completely honest. The saying is true 'the truth hurts'." Blair said. Hoping if he told Jim the truth about himself he wouldn't be hurt by his admission. 

Wondering if Blair was trying to tell hi something, Jim mulled over Blair's words. It is true; people wear masks to protect not only themselves, but others as well. He knew everyone had secrets. Hell he even had couple. One that he was just now finding out. Is he so scared of being hurt by the truth that was buried in his mind that it would not come forth? He felt that Blair had some answers to this question. He was also scared to admit to himself let alone to his partner that he wished they were closer. A lot closer than just best friends. He wondered why his thoughts of Blair, a man, didn't scare the shit out of him. In the past men of all types had tried to have him. He cared about a couple of them. But not enough to take them up on their offers. He wondered if Blair had been offered, and if he had ever taken them up on that offer. Thinking back, he had never smelled anything like that. 

He knew what Blair smelled like. He had come home early from a stakeout one night. Hearing Blair's rapid heart rate he feared the worst. Rushing in the apartment it wasn't till he had reached Blair's doors that he realized Blair's was the only heartbeat. He then smelled his completion. Embarrassed he had gone back out the door and re-entered, making some noise to alert Blair. 

When he realized he could distinguish the difference between men and women's smells, he found himself perversely checking everyone he came in contact with. Even if they had showered or it had been two day's, he could still tell if they had had sex and weather it was with a man or woman. It was shocking when he smelled another man on H. The way he brags about being a ladies man. He saw H. at one of the bars that was frequented by transvestites. So H. really was a ladies man. 

It was weird when he smelled someone's arousal. It was kind of embarrassing when one of his old vice buddy had come on to him. He smelled his strong musk, especially when the guy had asked him out. He had calmed down and wasn't now consciously spying on his friends. But that didn't explain why he still would steal a quick breath of his guide when he came home from one of his many dates. He wondered why Blair was always bragging about his latest conquest when he realized that it was the macho bullshitting every guy did when they were together. 

" So how much farther do we go" I'm really anticipating this great spot of yours." Blair's question cut off his thoughts. 

They had been driving for over an hour. Not speaking, just enjoying the quiet of the road and each other's company. With a start Jim realized they hadn't spoken since Blair's last comment. 

" Not much further. Be ready for a bumpy road." He grinned at Blair's groan. The kid really hated the bumpy one's. He said once he felt like a martini that was being shaken, not stirred. 

Finally reaching the camp sight, they hurried about. Setting up camp as quickly as possible. When they were done and sitting by the fire, Jim asked Blair a question he had been wondering about for months. 

" Blair, can I ask a personal question?" 

" Your can ask. I'll try and answer. As long as it's not about the body." Jim turned his head so fast he pulled a muscle. Blair's ring of laughter brought a smile to his lips. 

" Smart ass. I need to tell you something before I ask the question." Blair put down his stick he had been poking the fire with. Giving Jim his full attention. 

" After that incident with Laura I have been able to smell the difference of pheromones and sexual completion." Looking at Blair to gauge his reactions. He was surprised by the knowledge that his guide already knew this. 

" You knew I could?" 

" I figured you did. I mean... you're a sentinel. You can hear my heart beat in a crowd. I knew that you would be able to figure a lot of things out. Once you had enough control. You used to smell people when they came into contact with you. I'm your guide; I know when you are using your senses. I thought you were going to stay a constant shade of pink whenever H. came around." 

" You knew I was doing that? Wait, you know about H.?" Jim was shocked. But upon thinking about it he realized he shouldn't be. Blair knew more than him about his senses. 

" Yeah I know about H. I had gone into Lucky's one night with some friends. I saw them dancing up a storm. I knew H. couldn't think it was a woman. I mean come on this guy has more hair than me. But he looks damn good in a tight dress. With you, yeah I knew what you were doing. Hell I was wishing either I could too or you would tell me what was up. Don't freak out about it. It's just the voyeurism in all of us. Its natural. If you don't control it, that is when it becomes a problem." Blair explained. Jim shouldn't be so surprised. Blair knew a little about everything. And what he didn't know, he made up. 

" Ok, I can see that. Thanks, that makes me feel better. Someone told me once, a long time ago that if I wanted to be happy to just do it. Not worry about what others might think. I never got to tell him my answer. I..." Breaking off med stream by Blair's gasp. Jim turned to see what was wrong. The wide eyes and pounding heart were starting to terrify him. 

" Blair what's wrong? Talk to me buddy." Reaching over to grab onto the scared man. Jim could smell his confusion. 

" Blair? What is it? What did I say?" 

"Jim, who told you that, what was his name? The one who said you could be happy if you wanted too?" Blair's questions racked his brain. 

" This is one of the things I was going to ask you help with. I am starting to have a few memories surface. When I told you about the cobra getting smashed up and then you said I 'joined the army see the world'. I also said and them some. Well I remember being hurt by my father not believing me. He than made the comment about my senses not getting me out of this one. I felt horrible, like I was a freak or a monster. I took off out of the house. I ran to some woods near my house and I just lost it. I broke down crying and thought it was an Angel. My Angel. Then the next I see are blue eyes. Eyes I can drown myself in. I can't believe I forgot about my angel. I don't even remember his name. I fell in love that day and have never been able to since." Jim had been looking into the fire; remember more so he told the tale to Blair. But no matter how hard he tried he couldn't remember his name. 

" What happened next Jim? Tell me please. I need to know." Blair's demanding tome cut through his thoughts. Looking to Blair he saw that he was pale and shaking. 

" Blair...?" confused Jim tried. 

" Tell em Jim. Please tell me." Blair interrupted. 

" I... I kissed him. Oh god Blair it was the most fulfilling thing in my life. The only other thing that fulfilled me was the day we meet. I needed you just as much as I had needed my angel. I like that name for him. It was what he was to me." Jim smiled. Finally telling Blair how he felt about him. It wasn't all, but it was enough for now. Till he had the courage to tell him all. 

" Than what Jim? What next." Blair had gripped the log he was sitting on tightly. His knuckles had turned white from the force of his grip. 

" he had told me that saying and then asked me if I felt I deserved to be happy. I couldn't answer him. I wasn't sure. When I finally had the answer, my father had come upon us. I knew I had to get him out of there before my father could hurt him. He didn't want to go, but I finally managed to convince him to. I gave him one last kiss and he said we will find each other again. I wish I had gone with him. I wish I hadn't stayed." Jim trailed off. Tears falling down across his cheeks. The loss was just as strong today as it had been then. 

" Jim..." Blair stood up and went to him. Hugging him from behind. Giving his strength to Jim, just as he had been given many time's over since they meet. 

" Please tell me the rest. I am here now and I will help you. No one can hurt you while I'm here." His quiet strength gave Jim the help he needed. 

" Oh Blair... my father... he beat me. But that wasn't what hurt the worst. He degraded me with his words. He told me no son of his would ever do that to him. Like we were only supposed to be how he wanted us. I passed out and when I woke up it was the next day. Him and Stephen had gone to Europe. Sally took care of me. My 18th birthday was spent either asleep or throwing up. When I could move again I went to the bank and got my savings out. He had told e I had to pay for the car so I did. I had been trying to come up with somewhere I could go that would take me as far away from him as possible. I passed a recruiting office on my way home from the bank. I went in and that was that. The one thing I can never forgive my father for were the cruel words he spoke to my angel. They were mean and I cannot forgive him. They hurt him and that in turn hurt me worse than the beating or hateful words he said about me." Jim finally wound down. His sobs had made his speaking at times difficult to hear. But hear he did. Blair could not believe it. Whey didn't he know? Why? 

" I have never called you Jimmy since that on time." Blair spoke into Jim's back. His face pressed tight. 

" Blair?" The name speaking his confusion. Jim tried to turn, but Blair's strong hold n him wouldn't let him. 

" Even when I heard people call you that, I just never put it together. I must be either lost or really good at hide and seek." Blair smiled. Finally having found the other half of his soul. He felt incredible joy. He couldn't explain the instant attraction he had felt for Jim. 

" We found each other again. I am so sorry for what was said to you. If I could go back and take that from you I would. I used to dream of these eyes of yours, but I never remembered." Jim was shocked. He was in love with Blair, but some unknown feeling had held his tongue in cheek. Then this morning he knew why. He needed to remember his angel. He didn't know why he didn't put two and two together earlier. Blair had come into his life like a Guarding Angel. To help move him to the right path. 

" Jim... I need to tell you something." Blair's nervous voice shook Jim fro his thoughts. 

" Uhm... I don't know how to say this.. so I guess I'll just say it. Uhm... Jim I have never been with anyone... I mean I've had girlfriends and I have kissed. But I have never taken it farther than that." Blushing fearousily Blair wouldn't look at Jim. He felt young and inexperienced. 

" Blair, look at me." Using two fingers under his chin. Jim lifted Blair's face till the other man was looking him in the eyes. 

" That was what I had wondered. I could smell the different scents on you, but I never smelled your completion with someone else. I never meant to invade you privacy. It just happened unconsciously, then I would end up doing it a lot. I am sorry. I don't want you to go, I wont ever do it again." Feeling ashamed Jim turned away from Blair. He couldn't, just couldn't see the hurt and betrayal he knew would be in Blair's eyes. 

" Jim... Jim, look at me. Please?" Was softly spoken. Driving straight to his heart. He had no choice but to look. Turning he gasped at the love and understanding he saw in those wonderful eyes. 

" Did you think that I of all people wouldn't know when and which sense you were using. Every time I came home I knew in my gut you were checking me out. Either by hearing me or smelling me or even touching me. I would feel and unexplainable pleasure at still being pure. I knew in my heart you were my other half, my mind just needed to connect. I have loved you from afar my whole life. And I've loved you deeply for the last year. You are my everything Jim. We have a bond no none can take from us." 

" I love you Blair. Please don't leave my again." 

Closing the distance between them, Jim and Blair meet each other in the middle. Only their third kiss, but exceeding the others. It was a joining of two souls reunited after being apart for so long. The gentle passion erupted into blinding lust. As one they each scrambled for the opening though clothe. Tearing or pulling away what stood between them. They fell to the earth seeking to find their nirvana. As there skin touched, Jim couldn't hold back, he had had his dials up, trying to feel everything he could of Blair. As his cock touched Blair's he roared his lovers name sending his cum flowing up out of his body. 

Feeling Jim's seed flow over him mixed with Jim's shout , brought Blair over the edge. Moaning Jim's name Blair felt his strength drain out with the last of his seed. 

Holding Blair tight Jim felt himself start to drift off to sleep. 

" come on love. We better get into the tent before we freeze out here." Moving slowly they gathered there discarded clothing and moved to the tent. Without speaking they made one bed with their sleeping bags. Laying down they kissed gently. Pulling away only to move back in. they fell asleep holding each other. 

Morning brought them gently awake. Kissing to start the day. Knowing there were a few words left until they could go forward. They fixed breakfast, working fast to complete clean up. Both wanting to talk. 

With a cup of coffee each Blair decided to start. Knowing if he got Jim relaxed he would open up. He already knew what he needed, but he saw the question in Jim's eyes. 

" When you sent me away I really didn't want to go. I decided to go because you begged me to. When I was far enough away, I turned back and watched you being beaten. Oh Jim... it hurt me so bad. Hearing those degrading words. I just shut down. I woke when my cousin found me. He had been shaking me for about 20 to 30 minutes. When I came to he asked what had happened. The only thing I could remember was a wonderful kiss and the jimmy. I was taken to the doctor's and he said I had selective amnesia. I couldn't remember the time from Robert and I starting our game till he found me. I didn't tell them what I did remember. I was going to but when I opened my mouth I started to get this jealous feeling. I didn't want to share this with anyone. It was my secret. 

Jim didn't know what to say. It explained why Blair didn't remember him. But to have seen and hear what his father had done and said. Jim had wanted to spare Blair that pain. It was bad enough that he remembered. 

" But why wait? Why not be with anyone?" 

" I just couldn't. I tried when I first got to college. This girl wanted me and I wanted her. But as we were about to... do it. I lost my erection and felt ashamed that I would dare betray Jimmy. I apologized to her and ran out. I didnt try again for a couple of years. This guy I knew asked me out and I went. When he tried to kiss me I started shaking and I ended up puking my guts out. He didn't like that, but accepted my story of being sick. I never tried again. If I got horny, I would remember or kiss and finish myself off. I only went out with people because they are my friends." Shyly looking away Blair didn't want to see if Jim was disgusted by his admission. 

" Baby... look at me. I am so glad you waited. I've only been with about 4 women. I never could look at a guy that way. I always felt something was missing. When I remembered us I knew there could never be anyone else. I love you and I am so damn glad you found me." Pulling Blair to, Jim kissed his love passionately. Holding tight, not wanting to let go for anything. As there kissed heated up they moved to the tent, wanting the comfort of there bedding. 

Blair reached into his backpack and pulled out a tube of lube. 

" I... bought this... awhile ago. Incase... you know... we ended up doing this." He dropped his eyes from Jim's. Cursing his bashfulness. 

" Don't look away form me sweetheart. You can never disappoint me. I love that you saved yourself for me. You have now given me two special gifts. You first kiss and now you first time." Having said that Jim pulled Blair tight to him. Kissing his way down the squirming body. He undressed Blair. Kissing and touching the skin bared to him. Moving back as he discarded the last of Blair's clothes. Jim just looked at the beautiful body. He felt his heart quicken at the sudden rush of love and desire flood his body. He swiftly removed his own clothing and laid down next to Blair. 

" You are so beautiful Blair. It means the world to me that only I will ever know you completely." Seeing the matching emotion in his over eyes. Jim leaned over and plundered his mouth. His tongue exploring the depths of Blair's mouth. He opened the lube and moved his hand to Blair's hidden opening. Gently pushing his finger in through the ring of muscle, he swallowed the moans Blair made to his movements. Feeling the tight channel relax, he pulled out and brought two fingers in twisting and scissoring his fingers to help the muscle relax further, he joined them with a third one. Moving deeper to spread more lube, he brushed against is lovers prostate gland. The shout of pleasure along with the stiffing of the body made him pause. 

" Are you all right? Did I hurt you?" Worriedly said. Hoping Blair was ok. Jim kept his hand still not wanting to cause any more pain. 

" I'm fine. Oh Jim do that again. I've never felt anything like it." Doing as requested, Jim found a small bump in the smooth passage. Brushing over it a couple of times, he listens to Blair's cries of pleasure. Hoping that when he got inside it would feel just as good. 

" Ok sweetheart. I'm going to put it in. tell me if it hurts." Moving between Blair's legs, he brought them up over his shoulders. Kissing both ankles, he lined himself up with Blair's opening and slowly moved forward. He took his time, having to stop every so often. When he was flush against Blair's ass he stopped, looking down upon his love he smiled. Not having the words he decided to show Blair what this meant. Pulling out slightly then slowly pushing back in, Jim could feel the grip on his cock as blares internal muscles closed around him. Angling his thrusting to rub over the bump, Blair reacted strongly to the incredible pleasure. Thrusting his hops up on the next move, trying to start a faster and harder rhythm. Jim increased his moves. Moving his body to the demands of his lovers. Knowing he was getting closer, Jim brought a hand down to enfold Blair's cock in his grip. Caressing it in time with there movements. He felt Blair's orgasm rush up through his body. On his next thrust in Blair exploded to a shout of jims name and came. The clamping of muscle's brought Jim to his end as well. 

When both men were calm, Jim pulled out and laid down next to Blair. Bringing him into his arms he rubbed his hand up and down blares back soothingly. 

" Oh Jim, I knew it would be beautiful. I love you so much. I am glad we were able to remember each other." 

" Look at it this way Chief. We fell in love with each other twice. Not very many people are as lucky as we are." 

Holding onto the love they shared, knowing that finally the peace they sought was wrapped securely in their arms. 

* * *

End Finding my Angel by Jae: jaegil@hotmail.com

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